Slivers to Shattered

Thank you.  Thank each and everyone of you who reached out, called out on our behalf, clung to us and held us close.  Near and far we have felt loved beyond measure above and beyond our capacity to express or return.  Days are brighter.  Sun light has returned.  Baby Blue Jay is thriving.  The nest he has built in our hearts is one of eternal gratefulness and praise.

Patton says, "What's up kids?"

But I am broken.

From slivers of grief to a shattered soul, the cathartic cry I lust for has not come rather the tight rope across the sky has grown higher and balancing act has fallen away.

I know myself.  I knew this fear was coming.  I was afraid of it.  I avoided it.  I cannot any longer.  So here I am broken and undone.  I still, and will always, trust in my Heavenly Father but the day to day has become so much harder.  He has a fever.  I cry.  He throws up, like all babies do and for no reason whatsoever, then laughs about it.  And I pull over and weep.

Because I am so terribly afraid of seeing Blue Jay ice cold again.

This all came crashing down last week when his angel mat, a wonderful invention that monitors the slightest movement in a crib, went off on a false alarm telling us that our baby was not breathing.  I ran in his room and threw him over my shoulder having flashbacks of his lifeless body.  He was sound asleep.  He was not dead.

And I melted to the floor again.  The kitchen tiles became my hell.  I do not know how much longer I will live with the persistent fear and visions of what was on that fateful nite and what could have been.  I wish I could tell you a timeline a smooth progression from grief to peace but I cannot.  I wish I could tell myself that as well.  Alas, I must learn to live in the present whatever that may contain.

But there is hope.  He is here.  He is alive.  He is still the miracle he was.  I realize my words tend towards melodrama, I am an actor after all, but there is no way to tell this story without it.  I have found that writing has provided solace again.  So here I am.  Telling the story of what is while living with the grief of what could have been.  For those of you experiencing loss of whatever kind, cling to the sunshine.  There may only be cracks in the sky but a sliver of light is still there.  You may be shattered like me but one day we will be whole.  You are not alone.  So cry my friends.  Weep with joy and pain simultaneously because we are human.  We are complex.  We need and we shy away.  And, no matter how much we think otherwise, we need one another.