From Here to There

I often find myself asking, "What's next?"  In fact, I live in the what's next most of the time and have been trying to be purposeful about living in the right now.  I think I've been doing a better job of that as of late but now I find myself asking the questions again. 

2 years ago at this time, I was in Cambridge, MA meeting with Lesley University about their graduate program in Expressive Therapies.  I was making plans, filling out applications, moving forward.  I had been searching for a long while to find a way to combine my love of science and the arts with my natural tendency to be a voice for the voiceless and thought I had found my calling...

Then I found out I was pregnant with the Loin Fruit.  The applications were put away along with my dreams and I began to concentrate on the life inside me.  He was/is my greatest priority.  But where does that leave Lauren?  Lauren on her own.  Lauren with desires.

I love the Loin Fruit.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  But I struggle with my desire to put my talents to use on a larger scale.  Yes, I know being a parent is the highest calling.  Yes, I know his well being is more important than my own.  Yes, I know I've been given a gift in him.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have desires of my own anymore.  I am his mother but I am also an individual.  I have likes and dislikes of my own.  I have talents.  I have a need to create and heal. 

I do not know how to reconcile the two.

I also live in a place that does not cater to the things I am good at.  I spent the first 8 years of my marriage in my car essentially.  I drove back and forth and up and down to make something of myself.  I am an artist but my current location is not some place that allows me to do that full time.  I was bitter for a really long time about that.  I am not anymore.  I am not bitter that is.  I am sad.  It makes me wonder if I just gave up because of my circumstances or perhaps those circumstances are a chance for me to find new avenues for my passions.  I've had minor success here writing and directing plays but nothing on the scale of what I believe I am capable of.  So do I dwell on the limitations or do I try another path?  I have faced the resentment I feel and choose not to remain there because it isn't fruitful.  I do not want to be angry.  I want to be free.  Of course, this does not change anything on the outside but it changes me. 

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole forcing myself into tight spaces that suffocate me for the good of everyone else.  The cost of doing so has been far greater than the reward.  I find myself resenting people I love because of it.  They didn't ask me to be the way I am.  I chose that.  I wasn't honest.  I didn't speak my truth.  I put them ahead of me and then passively punished them for it all the while shrinking on the inside.  That's my fault.  I own that.  Now, I am trying to live differently.

And so I am asking the what's next question again.  I want to be present but still moving forward.  Does that make sense?  I'm here.  I want to be fully aware here but I want to live a life that progresses onward to there, wherever there is.  But how? For now I take on projects.  I write my books.  I try to refurbish junk.  I run.  But these things temporarily pacify me.  They take up time in my day so that I do not turn to anger or resentment.  They do for now but not forever. 

Today I Grieve

Today I am grieving for the loss of possibilities for some that I love.  I grieve for the sadness they are experiencing.  I grieve for the loss of who they once were and the shadows they have become.  Shadows of their former selves, created by the hands of another person.  I grieve for a friend.  Their stories are not mine to share but nonetheless I hold them in my soul and cry out for them.

Nothing gives you the right to use the Church and Jesus Christ as a weapon.  How dare you.  How dare you manipulate another human being with the words of truth from the Savior who deals in love.  How dare you seek the approval of man over the needs of your family.

Don't you dare use the words of my God to harm another person.  Stop.  Stop being arrogant.  Stop desiring praise from humanity for your just deeds and nice words.  I see through that.  I've been there.  I've worn the mask and talked the talk.  It's fallacy.  It's fake.  So quit hiding behind doctrine and seminary speech because you are a fool. 

I'm tired.  I'm so tired of what I see in the Church at times.  I admit my own cynicism and I am praying for an attitude change because of how I have generalized the deceit.  I am not saying in any way, shape or form that everyone who claims Christianity is arrogant, a liar, or a moral justifier.  I am only trying to reconcile my own experiences with so many of those whom I share life with.  I know and love countless true believers who live their lives with transparency.  These people are real to the core.  They share their weaknesses and walk with me in mine.  They are genuine.  They are the Church.  They are walking vessels of Jesus to me.  I long to be that to everyone that I know.  I don't care who you are.  I don't care what you've done.  I don't care who you sleep with.  I don't care if you love a man or a woman.  I am not here to beat you with biblical references.  I am not here to "save" you.  I am not here to judge you for your past, present, or future desires.  Hear me, I am here to love you in the best way that I know how and that loves comes from the love I have experienced through Christ.  Don't shut me out with my Jesus talk.  Just know that because of Him I am me, broken pieces and messy tidbits alike.

And you know what?  I get it.  I completely get how people who don't believe in Jesus view those of us  that do.  If I was standing on the outside and experienced some of that hate that they have I would probably feel the same way too.  To those of you who have been burned, hurt, beat down, and remain scarred hear this:

I am sorry.  I am so sorry that someone who professed Christ treated you with malice.  

If that person was me please forgive me.  My God does not hate you nor do I.

Why can't we ALL just be honest about ourselves and our situations.  Why can't we be accountable to our God and forget trying to rescue the world with empty promises and words.  Live the life you were given in love through Jesus and it shall come to pass.  You don't have to polish your outside to walk inside the arms of love.  You don't have to fix yourself up.  That isn't your job.  

Cease.  Quit striving.  Stop.  Be still.  

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."  -Jesus (Matthew 11:28)

Back to the Garden

The Healing Garden is ready for rejuvenation.   Now that the sun isn't searing me with heat every hour of every day,  I can finally start planning my Fall garden.  I think about it all the time but now is the time to set things in motion.  New ventures are on the horizon friends.

The Healing Garden in the Spring

Container Garden in the Spring

I'm pretty excited to get my in-ground and container gardens going again.  I've been inspired since my vacation to St. Simons.  Hot Papa, the Loin Fruit, and I took several walks a day the entire week we were there and what I couldn't help but notice were all the butterflies.  I love butterflies.  We saw lots of these:

I need copious amounts of these in my life:

Pretty Flying Thing

On lots of these:

Butterfly Flower (Asclepias Tuberosa)

I think I need some of these too:

Of course I will be planting the usuals again this year:  Eggplant, Tomatoes, Bell Peppers, Basil, and Mint.  I'm also going to do broccoli, a variety of lettuces, and something exotic.  I'm not sure what the exotic will be but I'm doing some digging now to find something different.  I have found that I'm a whiz at growing egg plants and lettuce is super easy too.  The rest of the things are hit and miss for me but I keep trying because I want to be successful.  I had a productive tomato crop this year and my basil always does well.  I had a few bell peppers but then my plant got tired and went to sleep.  I still haven't cleaned out my containers from the Spring and one of my pepper plants has a small verging on orange pepper lazily growing up.  I don't expect it to get any bigger and the fact that it survived the Summer is still a little shocking (shocking in the realm of gardening not real life issues).  

Orange Bell Pepper on the grow

Garden Tomatoes from the Spring

So that's the scoop on the Healing Garden circa September 2012.  This season I'm looking for COLOR COLOR and more COLOR.  Hear Christopher Walken exuberantly saying, "I need more Cow Bell."

Up next, I'm going to post how to save seeds from an existing veggie, plant them, and then transplant them.  I experimented with that this Summer and had a good go of it.  I failed to remember that my peppers weren't going to survive the heat and I should of waited until now to plant them but, alas, I learned something from my ill fated timing.  Here's a sneak peak to get your motors running:

On the Grow

Day 3

Sad Face Banana

So Day 2 of the Writing Challenge = I got nothing for ya...but a picture.  I'm pretty sure I had good intentions yesterday but never got around to doing anything.

Day 3:
Today I didn't write but I've been doing more research on clocks and watches.  I have been reading books on the subject of Horology...get your mind out of the gutter.  Horology is actually the science of measuring time and also the art of making time pieces.  I may be delving much deeper into the art of making clocks and watches then necessary for the audience I am writing for but I don't care.  I think it is necessary to have an in-depth understanding of what you are writing about even if you don't go that far within the story.  The problem is I am still so confused.  Here's a few words that have been running through my mind:  escapement, gilded, verge, pillar, spring and balance, etc.  These aren't complicated words on their own but in the context of watches and clocks they are immensely important.  They are the essence of a watch and I still don't get it.  I feel like I keep reading the same things over and over and I'm not there yet.

I thought I would introduce you to the main characters, thus far, in the Time Keeper book.

Lynley Adara - you met our protagonist a few days ago.  She is a teenage girl but has been forced to be her father's keeper and, therefore, does not live the life of someone her age.  She is something of an old soul and it suits her.  She isn't ashamed of who she is nor who she isn't.  She is carrying a burden she should never have been given but does it with grace.

Aidan Adara - Lynley's father.  Aidan is a history teacher.  He works at the local college and is the quintessential scatter brained professor.  His office is stacked high with papers and should you ever visit there is only a singular narrow pathway to his desk and the one empty chair in the room.  His life at home is no different apart from no papers.  He collects records.  He sits in his worn leather recliner and disappears into the music.  He is anachronistic.  He should belong in this day and age but something is holding him back.

Dr. Elias Dower - Dr. Dower is the owner and proprietor of a clock shop.  Keenly aware that he is a genius in a rapidly fading art, he manages to keep his store open because of the likes of Lynley and her father.  There will always be the old souls, the ones who want to know why and how.  Elias is a keeper of secrets but he does not hide.

So there they are.  Somehow their lives are intertwined.  Somehow the mystery of time and the sadness of survival coincide.  I'm working on the plot now more than ever.  I keep having flashes of what will happen but I am struggling with how to put the pieces together.  I guess that's why I'm writing here on my blog rather than my book right now.  Somehow it feels safer to experiment here than on the blank pages of the book.  This needs to change.

ps.  I love watches.

Writing Challenge

So here it goes...I have been working on a book for over 2 years now.  At this point in the process, I am about 3 chapters in.  Abysmal.  I should be much further along but I keep having so many different ideas that I cannot seem to focus on sitting down and actually writing them.  This past week I made some progress in that department though.  I decided, "what the heck...who cares if I don't know where this is going.  who cares if I have to go back an fill-in, edit, shift, or change things."  This something I have known in my head for a very long time but it finally made its way to my heart.  So I'm actively writing everyday now.  Not much but enough to keep myself in motion without experiencing a meltdown.


My book is about time....Time Keeper is the tentative title.

I decided this morning that maybe I could benefit from some accountability.  Therefore I have created a 30 day challenge for myself.  For 30 days straight I will write in my book and I will discuss it here.  Not that I have a wealth of readers but if someone is out there (aka my mom) who reads this thing consistently that's enough.

30 Day Challenge

Day 1:
I am revising the chapters I've completed thus far into first person.  I don't know that I will keep this voice
but for now it is helping me to get to know my protagonist more.  Her name is Lynley Adara.  She is 15 years old.  She works in a clock shop.  Changing the voice of the book from third to first person has opened up some things for me.  I can always go back and change things but this is working for me now.  I may even do a chapter by chapter voice switch up.  I haven't decided yet.   

ps.  This isn't some teenage paranormal romance just in case you were wondering.

pss.  I'm also working on a middle grade fiction book.  Oscar Jenkins is the main character in this one.  Weird things are happening to him and the lunch ladies at his school just might be the reason why.

psss.  I'm also creating another character:  Levita Wind Wilder.  She loves words.  Unfortunately, she doesn't know when to be quiet and that gets her into trouble.

pssss.  Then there is my older aged persona Darby Rhodes.  She wear purple linen outfits, has crazy long gray hair, rides a beach cruiser with a basket and a bell and has pen pals across space and time.  The Mr. Rogers foundation was interested in this a few years ago to no avail.  I'm still working on her and by that I mean working on me.

A little of This and a smidge of That

Something has been happening in the past few days.  Can you feel it?  Perchance not so let me enlighten you.
There's been a subtle breeze outside.  I've seen several butterflies (one just flew past me now).  And I'm not dripping in sweat just buckling the loin fruit into his car seat.  That's right folks:  AUTUMN is on it's way.

I freaking love Fall.  I love the colors.  I love the feeling.  I love wearing long sleeved t-shirts and running shorts, cause that's how Fall is in Florida.  We don't wear pants until Winter and we don't wear socks until we go somewhere else for the Holidays.  During this season, green is so much greener and red is so much bolder.  Granted, we don't really have a change in seasons down south, but if I look real hard at the brush fires along the side of the highway it's kind of like the usual colors of Fall.  So I do that.  I go to pretend land and when I see something that's been burning I pretend that I am in Vermont.  I've never been to Vermont in the Fall but I have created what it must be like over and over in my mind on several occasions.

I want to go on a bus tour of New England in the Fall with all the old farts.  That would be amazing.

Also, the loin fruit turned 1 yesterday.  That's right folks.  No longer a baby.  I've got a full fledged toddler on my hands.  Why crawl when you can walk.  Better yet, why walk when you can kind of run...everywhere.  To the cabinet, to the fridge, to the dryer, to the cat box, to the fire truck he goes.  It is amazing how quickly he changes focus.  A little of this and a little of that is about all he takes the time for.  I love it though.  I love that he is engaged in so many things.  I love that he is curious.  I want to encourage that in him.  I want him to feel free to explore yet know that I've got his back.  I'm pretty sure that when he starts picking out his own clothes, I'm going to have that child that wears utterly mix-matched outfits and shoes.  I can dig it.