Gardening Your Life: Marriage

Disclaimer:  I am not a marriage expert.  I never will be.  I don't want to be.  I just want to love the Hot Papa

to the best of my ability.

Hot Papa (he is hot!!!!)

The purpose of this post is to talk about the amazing man I get to do life with.  All of life, not just the fun stuff.  The hard crap too.  The husband, from hence forth referred to as "hot papa", has given me the gift of holding my kite strings.  He is firmly rooted while I get to soar about and make discoveries of my own.  I know he is my steady one.  I know he has my back.  I know I am not the easiest person to live with - I know this, really - but he loves me all the same.  I long to be the wife and friend he needs.  I often fail.  But I try.

Hot Papa as Shellon Cooper for Halloween 2011

For goodness sake, he dresses up for Halloween because he knows I like to.  Halloween is a significant part of our history too.  He pursued me around a fire for several hours dressed up as a redneck before I finally talked to him...he should have known what he was getting into solely from that evening.  I did not make it easy.

Hot Papa pursued me from the beginning.  He pursued me the way a woman should be pursued, without shame, without preconceptions, with nothing but honor in his heart.

Hot Papa scared me.

At the time of our meeting, I had resolved to do things differently.  I recognized a pattern in my dating life that I had decided to change.  Then he showed up.  He didn't know my struggles.  He didn't know my resolve.  He just wanted to know me.  I resisted.  Oh how I fought the Papa.  It really wasn't fair and had he been less of a man he would have given up long before I realized what a treasure he was.  Hot Papa was patient.  He did not judge.  He wanted me.  All of me.  And finally I saw the light.  I'll never forget it.  I was talking to my mom about this boy.  He was cute.  He was nice.  He liked me.  I was freaked out.  She said, and I'll never forget it, "Lauren, you are running away from someone that I would run to."  I sat with those words for a bit and realized how foolish I had been.  I judged Hot Papa based on my past.  That wasn't fair.  He was not my past.  He was my present.  He was to be my future.  He is my heart.

Hot Papa and I got married soon after.  We were both at points in our respective lives where we were moving forward.  He graduated with his Masters Degree and I had finished a theatre tour.  We knew we were meant to be together so why wait?  We didn't.

Our first years of marriage were hard.  Really hard.  I was very sad and felt very stuck where we are.  He never gave up on me.  We hit our stride and then the hardness came back.  You see, I have been wrestling with questions as of late.  These questions do not pertain to my marriage but rather with who I am, who I am called to be, and what that looks like in my daily life.  Hot Papa doesn't always understand.  How could he? I do not understand myself.  With the help of Jesus, Dr. P, my friends, and myself I'm learning.

I cannot help but wonder if Hot Papa doesn't regret his decision 9 years ago.  He could not have know what he was signing up for.  I am a mess.  I readily admit that but this time it is different.  It isn't just me.  It's me, Hot Papa, and the Loin Fruit.  We are a family and we are in this together.  I cannot run and hide like I used to.  I have to work out this life with fear and trembling.  I fail.  I learn.  I hurt those around me.  I feel sad.  I long to be the person I was created to be but discovering who that is is hard.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am that Hot Papa holds out his arms and lets me wrestle with myself.

Marriage isn't easy.  I am a cynic and tend to question when people say how wonderful married life is all the time.  Sure it is wonderful for moments.  Most of the time though, I find that marriage is a continual learning process.  People are not static creatures.  We do not stay the same.  At our core, we may have attributes that stay relatively the same but with shifting scenery and circumstance who knows what will become of us.

Why can't people admit that marriage is challenging without justification? Why must people put on a show?  Let's be real for just a moment.  Will this be scary for some of you...absolutely.  That's okay.  When two people come together challenges will ensue.  Rather than living in your private closet, come out and share.  I do not mean to say that you tell everyone everything about you but be HONEST.  I tend to believe that we are more alike than we admit to one another.  Stop pretending.  Be who you are.     I need that.  You need that.  We need that. 


Enough of that.  


Hot Papa has been my companion since Halloween of 2002.  He stole my heart that night but I didn't admit it until December.  He has given me more than I could have ever asked for.  I do not give him the credit he deserves.  So here goes:


Dear Hot Papa,


Because of you, I am me.  Because of you, I am free (I'm rhyming and I didn't even mean to).  I love you dearly.  I do not always show you.  I will give you myself.  I will be honest.  I will not hide in front of you.  I am thankful that you go to work each day and I know that leaving the Loin Fruit is hard.  I see it on your face.  I read it in your eyes.  He is lucky to have you.  Never doubt your significance.  Never doubt your reach.  You are loved.

Shall we kiss?

Gardening Your Life: Girlfriends

Let’s talk about girlfriends shall we.  When I survey the plot of land holding all my friendships I am amazed at the color and flavor bursting forth.  This bed is nothing short of miraculous.  I even have a few evergreens in there.  Trees that were planted long ago and have withstood the test of time and the trials of life grace my garden.  I have some hot peppers in there along with some sturdy marigolds that keep the bugs away.  There’s sweet smelling lavender, rosemary that comes back year after year even after I don’t tend to it like I know I should.  Rosemary is incredibly faithful.  It’s hardy and wise.  I love that rosemary.  I have several other herbs that help spice up my life too.  There are caladiums that come back year after year.  I forget about those sometimes until they show back up.  It is only then that I realize how much I missed them the season before.  There are beds of hearty eggplants that just grow with seemingly no effort.  They feed me.  They feed my heart.  My garden is also comprised of beautiful annuals.  The bloom but once and live only for a season but while they are a part of my life I cherish them.

My garden of friendships is enviable.  I do not always give it the respect and time it needs.  I often take for granted that the fruit, flowers, and leaves will be there and disregard certain areas.  To those plants, please forgive me. 

My mom always said there was life after high school.  THANK GOD!  My soul sisters didn’t come into my life until then.  They were worth the wait.  Let’s start with Colleen. 

Colleen is my rosemary.  She is fragrant and sweet.  She is an evergreen.  She is hardy.   She grows in almost any conditions.  She is steady and flavors my life.  Colleen should have given up on me long ago.  But she didn’t.  She is a fighter.  She holds friendships sacred.  I have learned so much from her.  Our days at Young Harris College are years away, but she is always consistent, always loving and always striving to be more and more.  She doesn’t give up.  I love her for that.  She is also a palm tree.  She goes with the storm.  She fights.  She survives.  She is brave and sweet at the same time.

Joy, I don’t know that I can ascribe a singular plant to her.  She is my oak tree and my pursalane.  She is my oak in that she is elegant in her poise, firmly rooted within herself.  She knows who she is.  She is solid.  I stand and look at her when I am questioning life and know she will have answers.  If she doesn’t , not matter.  She provides me with shade and coziness all the same.  She is my precious white purslane too.  She thrives in hot conditions, flowers every morning, and doesn’t require much maintenance.   She surprises me though.  She blooms pink within the white sometimes.  It is unexpected and delightful.   Joy planted herself in my garden and refused to go away. 

Valerie my precious Valerie, she too cannot be summed up in one plant.  She is my caladium: Big and bold and with beautiful green leaves reaching to the sun.  She goes away but she always comes back.  That is in her nature.  She is a stargazer lily too.  When she blooms her smell is so sweet.  It is the first thing you notice when you walk into the room.  I stand and look at her and see what I want to be.  She comes back year after year in spite of the storm.  She is resilient.

Meagan is my rosebush and my scotch bonnet pepper.  She is my rosebush because her fragrance fills my heart.  She is colorful.  She is undeniable.  She is cautious and her thorns serve as protection for the beautiful flower that she is.  I often wonder if she knows what a treasure she is.  She is a scotch bonnet in that she flavors my life.  She spices things up.  Meagan has the ability to bring life into the room.  She loosens me up.  She reminds me that without a little adventure life is no fun.  She is sweet and spicy.  I love this combination.  She is a force to be reckoned with.  I love what she adds to my table.

Kristen is my marigold and my eggplant.  She is entirely colorful though I doubt she recognizes that in herself.  She is a marigold because she helps keep the bugs at bay.  She is consistent.  She grows cautiously but when in bloom it is something radiant to behold.  She is an eggplant in that she helps nourish me.  She grows under the cover of big leaves but when she blooms she cannot be mistaken.  She comes inside with me and helps feed my soul.  

Kim is a part of my new growth.  She has firmly planted herself in my garden and although I have not been the best at tending her soil she continues to bloom.  Kim is like an herb garden. She is like my lavender.  Her blooms are beautiful but it takes a while to figure out the right soil composition.   Once she takes root, she cannot be denied however.  Like lavender, I have found her to be a comfort in the midst of daily living.  She is one of my most favorite herbs.  Much like other herbs as well, she teaches me that growth takes time. 

And then there is my mom.

My mom cannot be contained.  She cannot be defined by one plant or another.   She has a plot all her own in my heart.  As a teenager, I wanted to prune her back and push her away.  As an adult she is every plant I could ever dream of.  She is the brilliant purple of an impatient.  She is sturdy like an oak tree.  She is fragrant like jasmine.  She is luscious like ground cover.  She fills me up.  She feeds my spirit.  She is always there.  Her bed is just outside my heart and I always go to her to find solace.

And Christy.  Christy is like a colorful annual.  I’ve known her for years now and every time she pops up I am so excited.  She blooms bright.  She is constant.  I love the color my life has with her in it.

As you can see, my garden of friendship is complex and fruitful.  As tend to this plot, I do not always take care of my plants the way I should.  I hide sometimes and neglect my foliage.  Sometimes I do not water and all too often I do not feed my plants the way I should.  I am working on that though.  I have recognized that each plant is unique to itself and what works for one does not necessarily work for another.  However, each contributes so very much to my life and I am grateful for all that they are and all that they will be.   

I have other flowers in my beds to be sure.  Ann is my thyme.  She is firmly rooted and who knows when she’ll pop up but when she does it’s pretty great.  Heather is like a butterfly to me.  She flutters in and I can do nothing but sit and admire her quiet strength.  Gina, she’s like a bell pepper.  She is ripe with life.  Sarah is my cherry tomato.  She is strong and sturdy and bright.  Dana is like my lemon verbena.  She is all wild and willy but it smells so sweet.  She encourages me to step out and try to live my dreams.  Pam is like my mint.  She leaves traces of herself wherever she goes.  She is sweet and made of more strength than she gives herself credit for.  All of these women and many more comprise my garden.  My prayer is that you have a luscious garden of friendships that feeds you and you, in turn, feed as well.  I lived such a long portion of my life thinking I needed no one.  I was wrong.  I do need.  I am not ashamed of that. 

Throughout the seasons of my life I have been honored and blessed beyond measure to do life with the most amazing women.  I hold my watering pail high in salute to you. 

Gardening Your Life Series #1

I’ve wanted to write a series on Gardening Life for a while now.  That sounds like I have something really magnificent to say about the process of gardening.  I really don’t.  But after working with my own literal garden and learning things about how it all works I had a thought: 

Life itself is full of all sorts of variety of gardens and we must do our part, our best, to cultivate the gardens given to us.

After chewing on this thought for a while I discovered that in my own life I have several metaphorical gardens of my own:  family, friendships (both near and far), creativie, spiritual, emotional, my own physical well being, learning, etc.  Every “garden” has its own plot of land within me needing special soil and care uniquely made for its constitution.  I feel like this list could be quite long.  Your list can look totally different from mine as well.  That’s the beauty of gardening.  We plant our seeds, whatever they may be, and then we must do our part to nurture the crop.  I have also discovered that at times my various gardens are flourishing while at others they are wilting or even dying.  The leaves droop or the fruit doesn’t come to life.  Sometimes my gardens are overflowing with life and vitality and I could sit and be content with all the colors and flavors I feel with my senses.  The point is, how do I/we do our very best to take care of our individual gardens?

That’s what I will be writing about over the next couple of weeks.

I am not saying that I have the answers only that I want to delve deeper into my crops.  I want to examine my beds and see where they are.  What needs to be pruned?  What needs to be watered?  What needs a little extra attention or perhaps several long hours of work?  What is my role?  Have I done all that needs to be done in order for my gardens to thrive?  Maybe some of my beds need to be excavated and given time before the next planting season. 

As you can see, there are lots of questions and few answers.  I’m okay with that.  I am learning to live in the question.  I am seeing how fruitful experimentation can be.  I don’t have to know the why’s and why not’s right now.  Neither do you.

Let us step into the garden and see how it grows.