No More Hiding

Not me...but my new haircut

So I chopped my hair again.  Imagine my face on this hair cut and that's pretty much what you got.  I'm not great at posting pictures of myself alone so you'll just have to use your imaginations.  I believe in you.

My immaculate hairdresser, Dianne Smith, does superb work.  I literally visit her twice a month because I keep changing my mind about what I want to do with my hair.  I take her tons of pictures and somehow she comes up with exactly what I want.  I love that!!! I love having someone I trust.  I never understood the hairdresser relationship until I found someone who I never want to lose.

A couple of months ago I decided that it was time for a change.  I had already gotten another tattoo and facial piercings are out of the question because Hot Papa is a little too conservative for that.  Hey, I married him and I knew that, so I'm down.  I digress, I decided that perhaps the change I needed had to do with my head.  Double entendre anyone?  Those of you who read this know that I've been on a journey this year.  A journey into motherhood, a journey into selflessness and out of selfishness, and a journey into becoming who I believe I was created to be.  I am learning to hide no more. 

Stay with me, my hair totally applies.

I've always clung to my hair.  It's usually long and, honestly, I've got good hair.  It is pretty and full and vibrant.  And I have come to realize it is a crutch for me.  You see, I struggle with my own self-image, like you couldn't figure that out on your own.  When I didn't feel thin enough or feminine enough I always had my hair and for some reason that made me feel better.  If I wasn't rail thin or sexy at least I had pretty hair...that's something, right?  Somehow my long hair covered the fact that I have absolutely no boobs and don't always feel like a girl...too much information?  

I stared with a drastic chop.  My 10 inch ponytail was unceremoniously lopped off and the moment I felt the release it was like a load was taken off.  Added bonus:  My new hair was super cute.  I stayed with it for a couple of months and then, last week, figured, "My hair hasn't been this short in like 20 years.  Why not just go for the big chop and see what happens."  So I did.

I love the freedom of my new do but I still don't quite know who I'm looking at in the mirror.  I've never used anything other than good ole shampoo and conditioner so this whole product thing confuses the crap out of me.  There's pomade, there's wax, there's gel, there's gunk and each type has a whole subset of varieties.  It overwhelms me so for now I'm rocking the puffy all natural look.

I'm glad I did this.  I'm glad that I now know I can survive without my hair and that who I am isn't and shouldn't be wrapped up in the fuzz that resides on my head.  I know this isn't changing the world but I think this little experiment is changing me.

I Decided Something

...that's what I decided.  "Jamaica, no problem."  No, I'm not going to Jamaica to avoid making a decision but I am going to adopt the phrase and apply it to my current situation.

I'm going to do the best I can and then say, "Jamaica, no problem." Because that's all I can do really.  I can try my best and then the rest is up to someone else.  If I know that I have done that then I do not have to be in knots anymore.

Thanks Straub family for the adorable onsie that you bought my son when you went on your cruise that has this saying.  I'd forgotten about it until this afternoon (because my son is HUGE and can't wear it anymore).

Indecisive Undecider

Somebody Just Tell Me What To Do

I am terribly, horribly, magnificently indecisive.  I just want someone to tell me what to do.  Seriously, I'm great at following rules.  Just tell me what I should do, I'll do it, and we can all move on with our lives

...yeah right

I wish the above statement were true.  To me it just sounds like a whole bunch of justification.  It's like saying, "I'm so whimsy.  I don't make decisions because they crush my spirit and my spirit needs to be free to float into whatever realm...blah, blah, blah."

Indecision makes me feel like this.

Rather, indecision makes me feel crazy.  It makes my stomach hurt.  It makes me question everything.  I think the real reason I don't like to make decisions is because once I do I am responsible for them.  Come what may I chose that path.  I don't like that one bit.  I don't want to be blamed for choosing the wrong thing.  Naturally, I want praise for when I choose the better way.  Because I am prideful.  Because I want to be right.  Because I want people to think I'm smart.  If I decide something and it turns out to be the lesser of the choices available to me and there are repercussions, I want to point my fingers to someone or something else.  I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  There, I said it.  I don't want to be the reason someone is sad.  I don't want to be the reason someone is annoyed.  I don't want to be the reason someone gets angry.  I don't want to cause pain of any kind whatsoever to anyone else.  So I don't decide.

Then I melt and get tired and take a nap.

And that doesn't change anything.

I suppose it is time to be a grown-up.  I need to sit down and figure out what I want and then start making decisions that move me in that direction.  And deal with the choices I made cuz I'm a big kid now.  I really don't want chaos in my life although it always seems to find me and ends up staying a while.  It's like chaos is my friend.  We have breakfast, he chooses, and then we run (and I'm always faster but he never quits trying to catch me), and then I take a nap and when I wake up he's still there.  Curse you Chaos.  Go home.  Leave me alone...oh yeah, I let you in didn't I and I don't have the guts to stand up and decide I don't want you in my house anymore.  Back to square 1 I go.

Today I am going to attempt a decision.  I haven't decided what my answer is yet.  Baby steps.  But I'm going to decide and then I'm going to deal with the fallout.  There may not be one.  But there might.