Indecisive Undecider

Somebody Just Tell Me What To Do

I am terribly, horribly, magnificently indecisive.  I just want someone to tell me what to do.  Seriously, I'm great at following rules.  Just tell me what I should do, I'll do it, and we can all move on with our lives

...yeah right

I wish the above statement were true.  To me it just sounds like a whole bunch of justification.  It's like saying, "I'm so whimsy.  I don't make decisions because they crush my spirit and my spirit needs to be free to float into whatever realm...blah, blah, blah."

Indecision makes me feel like this.

Rather, indecision makes me feel crazy.  It makes my stomach hurt.  It makes me question everything.  I think the real reason I don't like to make decisions is because once I do I am responsible for them.  Come what may I chose that path.  I don't like that one bit.  I don't want to be blamed for choosing the wrong thing.  Naturally, I want praise for when I choose the better way.  Because I am prideful.  Because I want to be right.  Because I want people to think I'm smart.  If I decide something and it turns out to be the lesser of the choices available to me and there are repercussions, I want to point my fingers to someone or something else.  I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  There, I said it.  I don't want to be the reason someone is sad.  I don't want to be the reason someone is annoyed.  I don't want to be the reason someone gets angry.  I don't want to cause pain of any kind whatsoever to anyone else.  So I don't decide.

Then I melt and get tired and take a nap.

And that doesn't change anything.

I suppose it is time to be a grown-up.  I need to sit down and figure out what I want and then start making decisions that move me in that direction.  And deal with the choices I made cuz I'm a big kid now.  I really don't want chaos in my life although it always seems to find me and ends up staying a while.  It's like chaos is my friend.  We have breakfast, he chooses, and then we run (and I'm always faster but he never quits trying to catch me), and then I take a nap and when I wake up he's still there.  Curse you Chaos.  Go home.  Leave me alone...oh yeah, I let you in didn't I and I don't have the guts to stand up and decide I don't want you in my house anymore.  Back to square 1 I go.

Today I am going to attempt a decision.  I haven't decided what my answer is yet.  Baby steps.  But I'm going to decide and then I'm going to deal with the fallout.  There may not be one.  But there might.