My entire life I have lived in fear. Granted, the fear changes from time to time, but it is there nonetheless. When I was a little girl I was afraid I had AIDS. Yes, you read that right. I knew, knew with every fiber of my being, that I was infected and time was short. That fear then turned towards some sort of other blood born illness. I used to beg God to make me a cartoon character. Let someone else draw me beautifully and tell my story.
I was 8 years old.
I used to race the school bus from my stop to my door in hopes that by doing so I could prevent calamity from befalling my family.
I was afraid of tornadoes. It is perfectly natural to be afraid of tornadoes but not like I was. I hid under the desk in my room with my stuffed animals imagining my demise.
I have lived my life waiting for the rug to be snatched from underneath my solid ground. Good things didn't happen to me because if I accepted goodness surely tragedy was just around the corner. If my cup was full it was about to be tipped. If I loved surely I would be devastated. So I hid.
I hide.
I was afraid of being wrong...about anything. I lived in the consent fear of being discovered as a fraud. That one still has life for me. Somewhere I learned that who I was didn't matter. Who I was was not enough. Who I was was wrong. So I created the person I thought others needed me to be. I never made choices. I let other people dictate my likes, dislikes, passions, and concerns. Little Annie Lauren faded away. She was tired. She was sad. She was lonely. So she turned inward and retreated. And now she is clawing her way out.
Big Annie Lauren is now trying to figure out who she is and who she was. She's trying to figure out who she was created to be. And it sucks. It is hard. I takes work. Sometimes I want to fight for me. Sometimes I don't.
Back to the fear of dying.
After everything that happened with Baby Blue Jay I thought I was fine. Then I realized I wasn't. We go to doctors a lot now. He is fine but there are lots of follow-ups. Neurologists. Audiologists. ENTs. And every time I take him to a doctor my own fears come crashing down on me. I can keep it together long enough not to outwardly display the fear to my kids. I absolutely do not want to pass this on to them. They shouldn't be afraid of the doctor. I shouldn't be afraid. But I am. Because when you go to the doctor something could be wrong. That something could hurt. That something could take your life. So while I try to reassure my boys that doctors are good I avoid them like the plague.
Until this week.
I finally went to get a physical and blood work because I am an adult and adults go to the doctor. I was terrified. But I am fine. In excellent health actually. So the bottom hasn't fallen out.
And where does that leave me? I am living. I am thriving. I am not dying...who would have known?When you live with persistent fear it rules you. It wakes you up at night. It winds it's way into your lovely day. It kills your spirit and steals your joy. It is also an excuse to not fully live. I don't have to be afraid so now I have a choice. Oh that word: choice. I get to choose if fear will continue to rule me or trust. Sure I still need to go to the dermatologist but, hey, just scrape off any of my crusty moles and send me on my way with wrinkle cream. Trust that my Jesus isn't out to get me. Trust that He wants good things for my life..and I cannot control whether or not he bestows those gifts upon me.
I am not sure why I am writing this. Processing probably. But maybe some of you struggle with fear. Fear that rules you. Fear that robs your joy. Fear that steals fullness from you. My earnest prayer is that you will be free. It is my prayer for myself.
As always friends, you are not alone. The beautiful thing about humanity is that we have each other. I have lived on my solitary island too long. I know the effects of a lonely life. They are harsh. But now I have two humans with whom I have been entrusted and their wholeness falls on me. 36 years later I am finally learning that I matter. And if my children are to grow up believing that about themselves I will be a huge factor in them knowing that. So let us not life solitary lives. Let us revel in one another. No matter our differences we do, in fact, matter. Soldiers of life let us march side by side and embrace the goodness that has been bestowed upon us.
