Friday Feelings

Hi Friends,

I’ve decided to do a new thing here. I need you to know I’m still finding my voice in this space. I write for other people, but I have thoughts of my own AND I don’t quite get the best way to relay my message. I’m learning. Be gentle.

BUT.  I like the idea of tackling how to say hard things.

That’s what Friday Feelings is for. We are going to learn how to say hard things in an empathetic way. These posts won’t be long. Well, this one maybe. Firsts are always a little longer. They won’t tell you exactly what to say but rather, how to say them. Let’s face it: relationships are hard. Can I get an AMEN from the back?

You ready? Let’s go.

Today, I want to talk about talking to your parents about transition.
Hard, right? Our parents have taken care of us, no matter what age you are, for decades. Maybe now is the time that you have to step in and take care of them. Your mom or dad, or both, have set routines. They have lives that are completely separate from your own. That’s good news! But, there may come a time when you have to intervene. Here’s what not to say:

You are old and need my help.

You just don’t understand anymore.

It’s the cycle of life.

Just do it.

I mean…would you want to hear that from anyone, ANYONE? I didn’t think so. Don’t be a jerk and tell that to your elderly parent either. While they may struggle with the internets and wonder how to FaceTime and Zoom, they aren’t imbeciles. Don’t treat them that way. Grace upon grace. Extend the same love, compassion, and grace to your aging parents as you would to anyone else. You don’t get a pass because it is your Mom or Dad. Okay?

My father passed away in January. It hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt all of us. Now, 6 months later, my mom has decided that she will come and live with my family. This was always the plan, at least for me. When we moved 2 1/2 years ago, we bought a property we can grow into. That growth was meant for our children, our passions, and our parents should the need arise.

The need has arisen.

My mom has now been without her husband of 50 years for over 6 months now. Her friends in her hometown - who are absolute rockstars - are now evaluating the next steps. They will be moving on. They are in the midst of transition too. This isn’t easy for anyone.

I want my mom here. She’s my best friend. But she values independence, and I’m so thankful for this. Now that we are earnestly beginning next steps, it’s been all too tempting to say things like:

Don’t worry.

It will be okay. 

But those words devalue what she’s gone through and is going through. So, I’ve taken a turn. Rather than, “Don’t Worry” I’ve decided to say:

“This is hard. This is new. We will all feel things that we haven’t before. I don’t want you to be anxious, but when you are, pray. And after that, call me just to talk. I can’t make it go away, but I can listen.”

And then actually listen. Speaking is easy. But more often than not, people don’t need your words, they need your ears.

Rather than, “It will be okay.” I’ve decided to say:

“It will be okay eventually, and I’m here until that time comes.”

The truth is, it will be okay in the end. We serve a God who takes the long view. Of course, I think my words are wise and need to be heard. But, at this moment it’s not what I say but how I receive.

I love words. I believe they matter. When we enter into hard conversations with those we love, the words we choose last much longer than the moment they leave our mouths. I encourage you to be gentle. I'm learning this lesson too.