From Here to There

I often find myself asking, "What's next?"  In fact, I live in the what's next most of the time and have been trying to be purposeful about living in the right now.  I think I've been doing a better job of that as of late but now I find myself asking the questions again. 

2 years ago at this time, I was in Cambridge, MA meeting with Lesley University about their graduate program in Expressive Therapies.  I was making plans, filling out applications, moving forward.  I had been searching for a long while to find a way to combine my love of science and the arts with my natural tendency to be a voice for the voiceless and thought I had found my calling...

Then I found out I was pregnant with the Loin Fruit.  The applications were put away along with my dreams and I began to concentrate on the life inside me.  He was/is my greatest priority.  But where does that leave Lauren?  Lauren on her own.  Lauren with desires.

I love the Loin Fruit.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  But I struggle with my desire to put my talents to use on a larger scale.  Yes, I know being a parent is the highest calling.  Yes, I know his well being is more important than my own.  Yes, I know I've been given a gift in him.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have desires of my own anymore.  I am his mother but I am also an individual.  I have likes and dislikes of my own.  I have talents.  I have a need to create and heal. 

I do not know how to reconcile the two.

I also live in a place that does not cater to the things I am good at.  I spent the first 8 years of my marriage in my car essentially.  I drove back and forth and up and down to make something of myself.  I am an artist but my current location is not some place that allows me to do that full time.  I was bitter for a really long time about that.  I am not anymore.  I am not bitter that is.  I am sad.  It makes me wonder if I just gave up because of my circumstances or perhaps those circumstances are a chance for me to find new avenues for my passions.  I've had minor success here writing and directing plays but nothing on the scale of what I believe I am capable of.  So do I dwell on the limitations or do I try another path?  I have faced the resentment I feel and choose not to remain there because it isn't fruitful.  I do not want to be angry.  I want to be free.  Of course, this does not change anything on the outside but it changes me. 

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole forcing myself into tight spaces that suffocate me for the good of everyone else.  The cost of doing so has been far greater than the reward.  I find myself resenting people I love because of it.  They didn't ask me to be the way I am.  I chose that.  I wasn't honest.  I didn't speak my truth.  I put them ahead of me and then passively punished them for it all the while shrinking on the inside.  That's my fault.  I own that.  Now, I am trying to live differently.

And so I am asking the what's next question again.  I want to be present but still moving forward.  Does that make sense?  I'm here.  I want to be fully aware here but I want to live a life that progresses onward to there, wherever there is.  But how? For now I take on projects.  I write my books.  I try to refurbish junk.  I run.  But these things temporarily pacify me.  They take up time in my day so that I do not turn to anger or resentment.  They do for now but not forever.