Disclaimer: I am not a marriage expert. I never will be. I don't want to be. I just want to love the Hot Papa
to the best of my ability.
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| Hot Papa (he is hot!!!!) |
The purpose of this post is to talk about the amazing man I get to do life with. All of life, not just the fun stuff. The hard crap too. The husband, from hence forth referred to as "hot papa", has given me the gift of holding my kite strings. He is firmly rooted while I get to soar about and make discoveries of my own. I know he is my steady one. I know he has my back. I know I am not the easiest person to live with - I know this, really - but he loves me all the same. I long to be the wife and friend he needs. I often fail. But I try.
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| Hot Papa as Shellon Cooper for Halloween 2011 |
For goodness sake, he dresses up for Halloween because he knows I like to. Halloween is a significant part of our history too. He pursued me around a fire for several hours dressed up as a redneck before I finally talked to him...he should have known what he was getting into solely from that evening. I did not make it easy.
Hot Papa pursued me from the beginning. He pursued me the way a woman should be pursued, without shame, without preconceptions, with nothing but honor in his heart.
Hot Papa scared me.
At the time of our meeting, I had resolved to do things differently. I recognized a pattern in my dating life that I had decided to change. Then he showed up. He didn't know my struggles. He didn't know my resolve. He just wanted to know me. I resisted. Oh how I fought the Papa. It really wasn't fair and had he been less of a man he would have given up long before I realized what a treasure he was. Hot Papa was patient. He did not judge. He wanted me. All of me. And finally I saw the light. I'll never forget it. I was talking to my mom about this boy. He was cute. He was nice. He liked me. I was freaked out. She said, and I'll never forget it, "Lauren, you are running away from someone that I would run to." I sat with those words for a bit and realized how foolish I had been. I judged Hot Papa based on my past. That wasn't fair. He was not my past. He was my present. He was to be my future. He is my heart.
Hot Papa and I got married soon after. We were both at points in our respective lives where we were moving forward. He graduated with his Masters Degree and I had finished a theatre tour. We knew we were meant to be together so why wait? We didn't.
Our first years of marriage were hard. Really hard. I was very sad and felt very stuck where we are. He never gave up on me. We hit our stride and then the hardness came back. You see, I have been wrestling with questions as of late. These questions do not pertain to my marriage but rather with who I am, who I am called to be, and what that looks like in my daily life. Hot Papa doesn't always understand. How could he? I do not understand myself. With the help of Jesus, Dr. P, my friends, and myself I'm learning.
I cannot help but wonder if Hot Papa doesn't regret his decision 9 years ago. He could not have know what he was signing up for. I am a mess. I readily admit that but this time it is different. It isn't just me. It's me, Hot Papa, and the Loin Fruit. We are a family and we are in this together. I cannot run and hide like I used to. I have to work out this life with fear and trembling. I fail. I learn. I hurt those around me. I feel sad. I long to be the person I was created to be but discovering who that is is hard. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that Hot Papa holds out his arms and lets me wrestle with myself.
Marriage isn't easy. I am a cynic and tend to question when people say how wonderful married life is all the time. Sure it is wonderful for moments. Most of the time though, I find that marriage is a continual learning process. People are not static creatures. We do not stay the same. At our core, we may have attributes that stay relatively the same but with shifting scenery and circumstance who knows what will become of us.
Why can't people admit that marriage is challenging without justification? Why must people put on a show? Let's be real for just a moment. Will this be scary for some of you...absolutely. That's okay. When two people come together challenges will ensue. Rather than living in your private closet, come out and share. I do not mean to say that you tell everyone everything about you but be HONEST. I tend to believe that we are more alike than we admit to one another. Stop pretending. Be who you are. I need that. You need that. We need that.
Enough of that.
Hot Papa has been my companion since Halloween of 2002. He stole my heart that night but I didn't admit it until December. He has given me more than I could have ever asked for. I do not give him the credit he deserves. So here goes:
Dear Hot Papa,
Because of you, I am me. Because of you, I am free (I'm rhyming and I didn't even mean to). I love you dearly. I do not always show you. I will give you myself. I will be honest. I will not hide in front of you. I am thankful that you go to work each day and I know that leaving the Loin Fruit is hard. I see it on your face. I read it in your eyes. He is lucky to have you. Never doubt your significance. Never doubt your reach. You are loved.
Hot Papa pursued me from the beginning. He pursued me the way a woman should be pursued, without shame, without preconceptions, with nothing but honor in his heart.
Hot Papa scared me.
At the time of our meeting, I had resolved to do things differently. I recognized a pattern in my dating life that I had decided to change. Then he showed up. He didn't know my struggles. He didn't know my resolve. He just wanted to know me. I resisted. Oh how I fought the Papa. It really wasn't fair and had he been less of a man he would have given up long before I realized what a treasure he was. Hot Papa was patient. He did not judge. He wanted me. All of me. And finally I saw the light. I'll never forget it. I was talking to my mom about this boy. He was cute. He was nice. He liked me. I was freaked out. She said, and I'll never forget it, "Lauren, you are running away from someone that I would run to." I sat with those words for a bit and realized how foolish I had been. I judged Hot Papa based on my past. That wasn't fair. He was not my past. He was my present. He was to be my future. He is my heart.
Hot Papa and I got married soon after. We were both at points in our respective lives where we were moving forward. He graduated with his Masters Degree and I had finished a theatre tour. We knew we were meant to be together so why wait? We didn't.
Our first years of marriage were hard. Really hard. I was very sad and felt very stuck where we are. He never gave up on me. We hit our stride and then the hardness came back. You see, I have been wrestling with questions as of late. These questions do not pertain to my marriage but rather with who I am, who I am called to be, and what that looks like in my daily life. Hot Papa doesn't always understand. How could he? I do not understand myself. With the help of Jesus, Dr. P, my friends, and myself I'm learning.
I cannot help but wonder if Hot Papa doesn't regret his decision 9 years ago. He could not have know what he was signing up for. I am a mess. I readily admit that but this time it is different. It isn't just me. It's me, Hot Papa, and the Loin Fruit. We are a family and we are in this together. I cannot run and hide like I used to. I have to work out this life with fear and trembling. I fail. I learn. I hurt those around me. I feel sad. I long to be the person I was created to be but discovering who that is is hard. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that Hot Papa holds out his arms and lets me wrestle with myself.
Marriage isn't easy. I am a cynic and tend to question when people say how wonderful married life is all the time. Sure it is wonderful for moments. Most of the time though, I find that marriage is a continual learning process. People are not static creatures. We do not stay the same. At our core, we may have attributes that stay relatively the same but with shifting scenery and circumstance who knows what will become of us.
Why can't people admit that marriage is challenging without justification? Why must people put on a show? Let's be real for just a moment. Will this be scary for some of you...absolutely. That's okay. When two people come together challenges will ensue. Rather than living in your private closet, come out and share. I do not mean to say that you tell everyone everything about you but be HONEST. I tend to believe that we are more alike than we admit to one another. Stop pretending. Be who you are. I need that. You need that. We need that.
Enough of that.
Hot Papa has been my companion since Halloween of 2002. He stole my heart that night but I didn't admit it until December. He has given me more than I could have ever asked for. I do not give him the credit he deserves. So here goes:
Dear Hot Papa,
Because of you, I am me. Because of you, I am free (I'm rhyming and I didn't even mean to). I love you dearly. I do not always show you. I will give you myself. I will be honest. I will not hide in front of you. I am thankful that you go to work each day and I know that leaving the Loin Fruit is hard. I see it on your face. I read it in your eyes. He is lucky to have you. Never doubt your significance. Never doubt your reach. You are loved.
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| Shall we kiss? |
I don't know who is the most loved, lucky, etc. both of you are pretty special to me.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more! This little pigweed knows and is so grateful for you, Hot Papa! So grateful you love her when I'm not there to love her myself!
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully, Lauren. After 53 years of marriage I agree that it's not always a bed of roses but it certainly is worth sticking with it.
ReplyDelete