The Organic Revelation

Today I was making food for the loin fruit.  Dicing, chopping, and boiling away.  Then came my least favorite part:  peeling.  I do not peel most things I give him but I do peel apples.  It isn't like this is a difficult task.  I just don't enjoy it.  I often find my mind wandering as I peel and here are a few thoughts from today:

•   I wish I could have an apple tree in my backyard
•  Wouldn't it be cool to be able to peel an apple with one long fluid stroke of a knife.  This led me to the Wild West and a man with a big mustache and a leather outfit.  Not the trashy kind.  But rugged and made from the skin of a cow that he, the cowboy, killed and then used every part of for food, clothing, and shelter.  This led me to the big knife must wear on his person so that he can peel said apple.
• I want a knife solely for the purpose of peeling apples.

The apples I was using to make apple sauce for the loin fruit were organic.  They weren't pretty.  In  fact, visually compared to other apples you probably wouldn't choose them.  They weren't shiny.  The weren't excessively large.  They were quiet and still.  They didn't scream.  That's when the next thought came to me. The thought that stayed with me more than the cowboy knife apple excursion was this:

People are a lot like produce.

Some people are like produce grown with pesticides.  

They look really beautiful.  They have shiny exteriors.  They are coated in wax to protect themselves.

You'd pick them out of a crowd.  And you wouldn't ever get to know them.

But they aren't real.

Others are like fruits and vegetables grown organically. 

They soak up whats given to them and gift us with their reality.  

They don't sparkle in the traditional sense.  They are raw and mushy.

You might think they look different.

But they are real.

Don't mistake this as any sort of judgement on any type of person.  My observation showed me that I'd rather be like those organic apples than the pretty ones I always buy in the store.  I would choose these because I know what's in them.  There isn't any guesswork.  I don't have to pretend.  I would rather be that than the alternative.  Hiding behind a sparkly exterior because I don't know what's really going on inside of me.

I still like sparkly apples.

But it takes courage to be raw and mushy. 

To all you mushy folks out there.  I hold my cowboy knife high and salute you.

 

Self Challenge

After a thought provoking conversation with Dr. P and a relaxing weekend in the Keys, I have decided that I am going to declare myself a writer...this is huge folks.  In case you did not know, I've spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about writing.  I've taken several classes and done lots of research.  Oh how I love research.  Research allows your academic self to kick into overdrive without actually committing to anything. 

I am sick of the nothing.

By God, I am a writer.  I believe I was created to create.  I have done so for as long as I can remember in varying capacities.  I have seen my plays be performed.  I've been published in academic journals (fun fact, I have a very academic side).  Now I want to move forward and be published in magazines and eventually see my middle grade fiction novel come to life.

I write my blog as practice.  Dr. P says that perhaps my blog is a way to avoid taking the step towards publication by putting my work out there for people to see and judge.  I want to deny this but the fact is it is true.  I am afraid of failure.  The sure fire way to avoid rejection is to keep your ideas locked in a closet.  I don't want to stay in the closet anymore.

I am tired of practicing my life.  I want to live it.

So I am putting it out there:  I AM A WRITER. 

I will still keep writing in this blog because it is helping me develop discipline.  The stakes are low but they do exist.  So now we come to the SELF-CHALLENGE portion of the discussion.  I have several ideas to write about over the next week and I am going to do so.  Everyday.  Sunday, today, until next Sunday I will be writing.  Don't expect your mind to be blown.  This is a practice in diligence for me and hopefully a way to stay connected to people as well.  I have learned that I am not good at connecting.  I am sorry.  Honest words on a page come easier for me than face to face ones.  Hopefully I will get there.  Until then, here we are.

See you Tomorrow.

Joy in the broken

...overwhelmed.  My broken plate brought me my friend.  She was missing.  I thought I lost her.  But she was found.  She has been walking a path of broken being.  I talked to her for 3 hours.  Well into the early morning hours of a regular Sunday, we spoke.  I have not seen that time on a clock in quite some time.  Three magical, joyful, painful hours the day I wrote that blog post.  It had been years.  Too many years.

She sounded more whole than I have ever heard her.  She broke.  But now she has found strength.  A strength that calls her to the quiet life.  She is resting in the storm.  I love her.

To all of you who feel broken and alone.  To all of you who carry the weight of the truth on your shoulder possibly being the only one who knows:  You are not what they say you are.  You are more.  You are living.  You are being.  You are wonderful.  Wear your broken with passion because it completes you.  Never cease being curious.

John 8: 32 "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

Be free.

My Plate Died

Before

This is my plate.  A plate that was made for me by someone who is very special.  A plate that was created in the year 2000.  I would only eat off of this plate for over a year after it was given to me.  This plate gave me peace and the ability to overcome all the fear associated with eating.

Last night my plate died.

I am sad.

I think there's quite a bit of existential meaning behind the death of this plate.  I had a few moments of silence celebrating the life of this plate after it broke.  Then I have a few moments of sadness thinking about what the plate represents to me.  After that, I felt strange for the rest of the evening.  Then, today, our pastor talked about the spiritual discipline of fasting and now I feel like there is something even more meaningful behind the death of my earthenware.  It is a beginning.  An ending to be sure, but also a beginning.  Here's why:

12 years and 1 pervasive relapse later, I am still a recovering anorexic.  When I returned home from my in-patient treatment for the disorder in 2000, my friend Valerie made me this plate.  I was so scared to eat.  I was so scared to live for that matter.  Somehow, though, I had to go through the motions of living so that I would survive.  Eating was a task not a pleasure.  It still feels that way now.  After a year or so I was able to eat off of other dishes but I kept this as a reminder of my journey.  It has lived in cabinets, displayed on the counter, and now it lives in a really big bowl because I cannot part with it. When eating hurts too much, I pull out this plate.  I am reminded that although I do not feel like I am up for the challenge, I can muster the strength to put something in my mouth.  Sometimes I wouldn't pull out the plate because I knew I was willingly allowing myself not to eat and it served as a reminder that I am stronger than that.  That is sad.

After

But this plate made me smile.  It entertained my palate.  It gave me hope.  And now it is dead.


So what does this death represent and why do I feel so connected to it?  As I try to process my feelings I cannot seem to reach a solid conclusion.  Perhaps the death of the plate means that I am no longer bound to props serving as substitutes for my real life.  Maybe I don't need a crutch anymore.  Wouldn't that be a joy?  12 years for an anorexic is an accomplishment.  Not that I don't struggle with body image and fear on a daily basis but somehow I have managed to keep things in check...until this past January or so.  I do not know when the relapse started only that by the time I realized what was happening it was too late.  I ate less than I ever have, was more active than I've ever been, and so incredibly lonely.  The pain  increased and I, in turn, denied my feelings and fought hard to become a perfect storm of destruction.

I have a son.  I love him dearly.  He needs his parents.  Even that was not enough to stop the downward spiral.

Pathetic.  

I went back to the things I knew helped before and even then it took months to make any progress.  I am better today.  Not healed.  Not perfect.  Not there yet.  But I am better and that is something.  So maybe the broken plate represents me.  I was colorful and lovely and gave hope.  I put myself away in a cabinet for a while and let myself, my soul self, go.  I pulled myself out every now and then to remind me how exuberant I used to be and then I would hide because I knew the truth.  Then I broke.  It was too much.

Now I am free to be whatever it is I am to be.  Whatever it is I am today.  That is enough.  

In Time...Lessons from the Garden

Friday

 

The garden has taught me many things.  Above all else, nurture and then wait.  Provide and then cease.  Give and then rest.  As a gardener that is your role.  You plant, water, feed, prune, and then wait.  Waiting is the hardest part for me.  If you pluck too soon, the fruit is not ripe enough.  If you wait too long the vegetable turns on you.  There is a balance that must be achieved.  Funny word, balance.  Something I cannot seem to find in my life.  I am always in a rush to get started but then my interest fades while I wait for my reward.  How sad.  How sad to miss out on the process of it all.  How I often miss the ripening because I want my fruit now.  This lesson applies in multiple areas of my life.  Today, however, I got the chance to relish in the outcome of my waiting.  Joy abounds this evening.

Monday

Much like our own lives, we reap and then we sow.  The former must come before the latter.  Like the Psalmist said, "Be still and know that I am God..."  In time, all will be revealed.  But shouldn't there be joy in the process of waiting.  I hope so.  I long for that joy in the midst of the now.

   So gardeners, cultivators of gardens and life alike, be still and know that what is coming will come.  You have done your part.  In time, you will see.

                                         

The Healing Garden: Homemade Baby Food How-To: Boil and Steam

The Healing Garden: Homemade Baby Food How-To: Boil and Steam: $1.00 on sale for 2 containers of baby food...yeah right.   $1.00, at least, for 1 container of organic baby mush. I don't think so.  I c...

Homemade Baby Food How-To: Boil and Steam

$1.00 on sale for 2 containers of baby food...yeah right.   $1.00, at least, for 1 container of organic baby mush. I don't think so.  I can make your wallet happy, help fulfill your farm girl fantasies, and delight your culinary senses. Promise.  So ladies and gents, put your aprons on, or not if you want to spice things up, and let's do this. 

The Loin Fruit enjoying homemade golden delicious apple sauce

Making your own baby food is no longer for the ultra-earthy or shockingly sheltered.  You don't have to have 19 kids and counting to make it work for you. Having a food processor or Magic Bullet helps but even those aren't completely necessary.  All you really need are a few utensils, ice cube trays, and a sense of adventure.

Things you must have:

1. Peeler
2. Knife
3. Ice Trays
4. Water
5. Something to mash with

Things that make it easier:

1.  Food processor or blender thingy

First things first, do your research and talk to your pediatrician.   I am not here to give you advice on what and what not to feed your child (refer to my previous baby food post for my statement absolving me from responsibility for your mistakes).  I just thought it would be helpful to have a list of how to do it.  And, I just downloaded Instagram for Android and I have tons of fun pictures now.

Wholesome Baby food from Momtastic.com 

Homemade Baby Food 

 

There are various methods you can use to make your baby food.  You can boil, steam, bake, and with some foods like bananas you can just mush them up the way they are.  I've only boiled and steamed at this point.  Today I am going to bake my sweet potatoes rather than peel, chop, and boil them just to see how they turn out.  Peeling sweet potatoes isn't fun.

Stream of Conscious thought for the day:

Have you ever said steam over and over?  Having just typed that word several times, it doesn't make sense to me anymore.  I just found myself wondering if that's the correct word.

Step 1:  Choose your vegetable or fruit

 

Golden Delicious Apples and Sweet Potatoes

Step 2:  Peel said fruit or vegetable (if it needs peeling)

 Step 3:  Chop em up (I use an apple corer for my apples but a knife works just fine)

Step 4:  Cover with water, bring to boil, let cook for about 10 minutes or until desired tenderness is reached

Step 5:  Remove from stove and place fruit/vegetable chunks in your food processor (or magic bullet or blender).  If you don't have any of these things don't freak.  You can use a mash potato masher thingy just as well.  The important thing is to create an optimal consistency.  You do this by adding some of the water reserve from your cooked fruit or vegetable.  If you process, blend, or mash and it isn't liquidy enough then add more water.  Conversely, don't add so much if you want a thicker consistency.  You can't remove the liquid once it is blended it so I find it easier to go with a less is more approach and then modify if necessary.

* the Loin Fruit now has 4 teeth so and has been eating solids for about 2 months.  Per my pediatrician's advice, I make his food a little chunkier. 

Step 6:  Put in a container and let the puree cool (I don't know that this step is necessary but I have burnt my fingers enough trying to get tablespoon sized amounts into my ice trays.  I decided it would be in my best interest to dump my mash into something and let it cool beforehand).

 

Cooling Apple Sauce

**Take a spoon, an adult spoon, and taste it.  Just do it.  Pretty tasty

Step 7:  Take a tablespoon sized dollop and put it into each ice tray space

Apple Sauce and Cauliflower

Step 8:  Freeze the trays.  Each cube is roughly 1 oz of food so that should give you some idea of how much you are feeding baby.  Store the cubes in a freezer safe bag and defrost as needed.  Each batch is good for about 3 months but you probably won't even need to know that fact.  

 

Step 9:  Feed the loin fruit

All Gone

  Step 10:  Watch your delightful loin fruit try and feed the cat his goodness