I cried

I get to do life with this kid.  Call me lucky.  Call me blessed.  

Call me exhausted.

Chagrins with the Fruit 

But this kid gives me more pleasure than anything or anyone on this earth.  Sometimes I just have to be really stupid to remember that.

Case in point.

A few days ago my friend Dana asked if I could help her out with a photo shoot.  She's a supreme photographer and sometimes I get to tag along and hold her equipment.  I love it.  I need moments of creativity throughout the day to keep me sane.  Bonus for me is that Dana is cray cray in the best imaginable way.  I let her know I was available but that the Loin Fruit would be with me and asked if that would be a distraction, knowing full well it would be.  I didn't get her reply until I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the gym.  Side note:  I typically go to the gym everyday at the same time.  Gives me some stress relief and allows the Fruit to have some play time at the kid zone.  Win win for both of us.  I usually leave my phone in his diaper bag so I won't get distracted or break it while I'm getting my sweat on.  I had just put the Fruit in his car seat and closed my own door and decided to check my phone before I pulled out.  Safety first!  That's when I got her text confirming my suspicions.

And then I got angry.  Angry at my son.  Angry because I couldn't go do something I wanted to do and the only reason why was because of him.  

The anger was fleeting and lasted mere moments but it was enough for me to feel terribly ashamed of myself.  I actually got mad at my innocent child through no fault of his own.  None.  He was doing nothing more than existing in my backseat and I resented him for it.  

Then I cried.  I cried because I was angry.  I cried because I couldn't do something I wanted to.  I cried because I am selfish.  I cried because I don't know if it is wrong to desire things.  I cried because I keep feeling like my Jesus is telling me that my life truly isn't my own.  I cried because I don't like that very much.

All those tears and all those emotions in like 2 minutes.     

I don't exactly know why I am sharing this.  I guess it helps to process things and it has been a few days  since the aforementioned "incident."  What I learned from it is that I suppose it is okay to be angry or frustrated but not at my child simply because he is here.

Motherhood is hard.