The LMITCTPFAHM Half-Marathon Experience

I did it!!!!!!!!!!! Pushing my kid!!!!!!!!! 14 minutes faster than I thought I would!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it is over!

Race Day SWAG

The First Annual 'Lauren Maleski I'm too Cheap to Pay for a Half Marathon Half Marathon" is over.  This past Saturday me (and Maddox), Hot Papa, and four other guys hit the pavement at 7:30 AM and ran our hodge podge half-marathon.  We even had a water table set up at the 5 mile mark thanks to some forward thinking on the part of one of the runners.  Having a water table with a homemade sign that reads "water for the half-marathon"placed in someone's front yard kind of makes us a big deal.

I made goodie bags and quasi-medals for all participants and even included a turtle figurine for the slowest runner.  I coined it "the slow poke" award.  I picked a real cute wooden turtle for this because I knew I was going to be the winner of said award and I liked it.  I also made t-shirts.  Nothing says I'm a runner and you should know it like a race t-shirt.  You know those people who seem to have endless supplies of race t-shirts?  They kind of annoy me.  It's like saying, "yep, I got up at the butt crack of dawn to go be awesome while you slept and then ate pancakes."  The shirts I made are totally tacky and with a side of white trash.  I don't know that anyone will ever wear those but that's not the point.  I was trying to be official with absolutely no budget.  So get of my back!

I've been training for this stupid run since November of last year.  I had to take a hiatus in March with the flare up of my unwelcome yet perpetually invited old friend Anorexia.  Initially, we were going to do this in April but I couldn't.  I had to exercise other parts of myself during that period and part of that was letting go of training until I could do it in a healthy way.  I think that's the biggest victory for me in all this.  I maintained a healthy weight and only dropped a couple of pounds the last week.  That wasn't on purpose.  All that running just catches up to you.  That evening I had a huge dinner and drank 3 glasses of wine and then filled up on leftover crappy Halloween candy.  IT WAS AWESOME!!

I wish I could tell you I had some sort of revelation during the run...but I didn't.  I remember thinking around mile 10 that this isn't so bad.  Immediately followed by the thought that I know this feeling isn't going to last.  I'm going to hate this again at mile 12.  I kind of did hate it again but then I knew I had only 1.1 miles to go and that's nothing.  After a few days of reflection, here's what I can say about the experience:

1. I'm glad I did it
2. I'm also glad it's over
3. I think I want to run 15 miles
4. I know I DON'T want to run 26.2
5. I'm incredibly thankful for a child who likes the jogging stroller
6. I'm super blessed to have a husband who caters to my whims and joins in
7. I'm also super blessed to have the Smiths!  You should know Jared and Sarah.
8. Mind games are what got me through
9. I am goal oriented (aka, I don't know what to do with myself at the gym now)
10. If I put as much time into my spiritual walk as I did running...
11. I detest feeling hungry and don't like to feed myself (aka, I have to be counterintuitive in order to successfully train for long distances and THAT's OKAY)
12. I like making awards
13. I really like bluegrass music for the first 7 miles and then booty music for the rest
14. Gina, Curt, and Sharon should have totally been there
15. Living in FL has it's advantages:  flat roads, good folks, cooler mornings
16. I really like November
17. Moleskin works! 
18. I'm super proud of my nasty callused toes  
19. There's absolutely no reason to pay money to run
20. I should have taken before and after pictures but by the time I was done I just didn't care
21. Why do people always look cute in their after pictures?  I looked like crap.

All in all it was a good day.  

No More Hiding

Not me...but my new haircut

So I chopped my hair again.  Imagine my face on this hair cut and that's pretty much what you got.  I'm not great at posting pictures of myself alone so you'll just have to use your imaginations.  I believe in you.

My immaculate hairdresser, Dianne Smith, does superb work.  I literally visit her twice a month because I keep changing my mind about what I want to do with my hair.  I take her tons of pictures and somehow she comes up with exactly what I want.  I love that!!! I love having someone I trust.  I never understood the hairdresser relationship until I found someone who I never want to lose.

A couple of months ago I decided that it was time for a change.  I had already gotten another tattoo and facial piercings are out of the question because Hot Papa is a little too conservative for that.  Hey, I married him and I knew that, so I'm down.  I digress, I decided that perhaps the change I needed had to do with my head.  Double entendre anyone?  Those of you who read this know that I've been on a journey this year.  A journey into motherhood, a journey into selflessness and out of selfishness, and a journey into becoming who I believe I was created to be.  I am learning to hide no more. 

Stay with me, my hair totally applies.

I've always clung to my hair.  It's usually long and, honestly, I've got good hair.  It is pretty and full and vibrant.  And I have come to realize it is a crutch for me.  You see, I struggle with my own self-image, like you couldn't figure that out on your own.  When I didn't feel thin enough or feminine enough I always had my hair and for some reason that made me feel better.  If I wasn't rail thin or sexy at least I had pretty hair...that's something, right?  Somehow my long hair covered the fact that I have absolutely no boobs and don't always feel like a girl...too much information?  

I stared with a drastic chop.  My 10 inch ponytail was unceremoniously lopped off and the moment I felt the release it was like a load was taken off.  Added bonus:  My new hair was super cute.  I stayed with it for a couple of months and then, last week, figured, "My hair hasn't been this short in like 20 years.  Why not just go for the big chop and see what happens."  So I did.

I love the freedom of my new do but I still don't quite know who I'm looking at in the mirror.  I've never used anything other than good ole shampoo and conditioner so this whole product thing confuses the crap out of me.  There's pomade, there's wax, there's gel, there's gunk and each type has a whole subset of varieties.  It overwhelms me so for now I'm rocking the puffy all natural look.

I'm glad I did this.  I'm glad that I now know I can survive without my hair and that who I am isn't and shouldn't be wrapped up in the fuzz that resides on my head.  I know this isn't changing the world but I think this little experiment is changing me.

I Decided Something

...that's what I decided.  "Jamaica, no problem."  No, I'm not going to Jamaica to avoid making a decision but I am going to adopt the phrase and apply it to my current situation.

I'm going to do the best I can and then say, "Jamaica, no problem." Because that's all I can do really.  I can try my best and then the rest is up to someone else.  If I know that I have done that then I do not have to be in knots anymore.

Thanks Straub family for the adorable onsie that you bought my son when you went on your cruise that has this saying.  I'd forgotten about it until this afternoon (because my son is HUGE and can't wear it anymore).

Indecisive Undecider

Somebody Just Tell Me What To Do

I am terribly, horribly, magnificently indecisive.  I just want someone to tell me what to do.  Seriously, I'm great at following rules.  Just tell me what I should do, I'll do it, and we can all move on with our lives

...yeah right

I wish the above statement were true.  To me it just sounds like a whole bunch of justification.  It's like saying, "I'm so whimsy.  I don't make decisions because they crush my spirit and my spirit needs to be free to float into whatever realm...blah, blah, blah."

Indecision makes me feel like this.

Rather, indecision makes me feel crazy.  It makes my stomach hurt.  It makes me question everything.  I think the real reason I don't like to make decisions is because once I do I am responsible for them.  Come what may I chose that path.  I don't like that one bit.  I don't want to be blamed for choosing the wrong thing.  Naturally, I want praise for when I choose the better way.  Because I am prideful.  Because I want to be right.  Because I want people to think I'm smart.  If I decide something and it turns out to be the lesser of the choices available to me and there are repercussions, I want to point my fingers to someone or something else.  I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.  There, I said it.  I don't want to be the reason someone is sad.  I don't want to be the reason someone is annoyed.  I don't want to be the reason someone gets angry.  I don't want to cause pain of any kind whatsoever to anyone else.  So I don't decide.

Then I melt and get tired and take a nap.

And that doesn't change anything.

I suppose it is time to be a grown-up.  I need to sit down and figure out what I want and then start making decisions that move me in that direction.  And deal with the choices I made cuz I'm a big kid now.  I really don't want chaos in my life although it always seems to find me and ends up staying a while.  It's like chaos is my friend.  We have breakfast, he chooses, and then we run (and I'm always faster but he never quits trying to catch me), and then I take a nap and when I wake up he's still there.  Curse you Chaos.  Go home.  Leave me alone...oh yeah, I let you in didn't I and I don't have the guts to stand up and decide I don't want you in my house anymore.  Back to square 1 I go.

Today I am going to attempt a decision.  I haven't decided what my answer is yet.  Baby steps.  But I'm going to decide and then I'm going to deal with the fallout.  There may not be one.  But there might.

From Here to There

I often find myself asking, "What's next?"  In fact, I live in the what's next most of the time and have been trying to be purposeful about living in the right now.  I think I've been doing a better job of that as of late but now I find myself asking the questions again. 

2 years ago at this time, I was in Cambridge, MA meeting with Lesley University about their graduate program in Expressive Therapies.  I was making plans, filling out applications, moving forward.  I had been searching for a long while to find a way to combine my love of science and the arts with my natural tendency to be a voice for the voiceless and thought I had found my calling...

Then I found out I was pregnant with the Loin Fruit.  The applications were put away along with my dreams and I began to concentrate on the life inside me.  He was/is my greatest priority.  But where does that leave Lauren?  Lauren on her own.  Lauren with desires.

I love the Loin Fruit.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  But I struggle with my desire to put my talents to use on a larger scale.  Yes, I know being a parent is the highest calling.  Yes, I know his well being is more important than my own.  Yes, I know I've been given a gift in him.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have desires of my own anymore.  I am his mother but I am also an individual.  I have likes and dislikes of my own.  I have talents.  I have a need to create and heal. 

I do not know how to reconcile the two.

I also live in a place that does not cater to the things I am good at.  I spent the first 8 years of my marriage in my car essentially.  I drove back and forth and up and down to make something of myself.  I am an artist but my current location is not some place that allows me to do that full time.  I was bitter for a really long time about that.  I am not anymore.  I am not bitter that is.  I am sad.  It makes me wonder if I just gave up because of my circumstances or perhaps those circumstances are a chance for me to find new avenues for my passions.  I've had minor success here writing and directing plays but nothing on the scale of what I believe I am capable of.  So do I dwell on the limitations or do I try another path?  I have faced the resentment I feel and choose not to remain there because it isn't fruitful.  I do not want to be angry.  I want to be free.  Of course, this does not change anything on the outside but it changes me. 

I have always felt like a square peg in a round hole forcing myself into tight spaces that suffocate me for the good of everyone else.  The cost of doing so has been far greater than the reward.  I find myself resenting people I love because of it.  They didn't ask me to be the way I am.  I chose that.  I wasn't honest.  I didn't speak my truth.  I put them ahead of me and then passively punished them for it all the while shrinking on the inside.  That's my fault.  I own that.  Now, I am trying to live differently.

And so I am asking the what's next question again.  I want to be present but still moving forward.  Does that make sense?  I'm here.  I want to be fully aware here but I want to live a life that progresses onward to there, wherever there is.  But how? For now I take on projects.  I write my books.  I try to refurbish junk.  I run.  But these things temporarily pacify me.  They take up time in my day so that I do not turn to anger or resentment.  They do for now but not forever. 

Today I Grieve

Today I am grieving for the loss of possibilities for some that I love.  I grieve for the sadness they are experiencing.  I grieve for the loss of who they once were and the shadows they have become.  Shadows of their former selves, created by the hands of another person.  I grieve for a friend.  Their stories are not mine to share but nonetheless I hold them in my soul and cry out for them.

Nothing gives you the right to use the Church and Jesus Christ as a weapon.  How dare you.  How dare you manipulate another human being with the words of truth from the Savior who deals in love.  How dare you seek the approval of man over the needs of your family.

Don't you dare use the words of my God to harm another person.  Stop.  Stop being arrogant.  Stop desiring praise from humanity for your just deeds and nice words.  I see through that.  I've been there.  I've worn the mask and talked the talk.  It's fallacy.  It's fake.  So quit hiding behind doctrine and seminary speech because you are a fool. 

I'm tired.  I'm so tired of what I see in the Church at times.  I admit my own cynicism and I am praying for an attitude change because of how I have generalized the deceit.  I am not saying in any way, shape or form that everyone who claims Christianity is arrogant, a liar, or a moral justifier.  I am only trying to reconcile my own experiences with so many of those whom I share life with.  I know and love countless true believers who live their lives with transparency.  These people are real to the core.  They share their weaknesses and walk with me in mine.  They are genuine.  They are the Church.  They are walking vessels of Jesus to me.  I long to be that to everyone that I know.  I don't care who you are.  I don't care what you've done.  I don't care who you sleep with.  I don't care if you love a man or a woman.  I am not here to beat you with biblical references.  I am not here to "save" you.  I am not here to judge you for your past, present, or future desires.  Hear me, I am here to love you in the best way that I know how and that loves comes from the love I have experienced through Christ.  Don't shut me out with my Jesus talk.  Just know that because of Him I am me, broken pieces and messy tidbits alike.

And you know what?  I get it.  I completely get how people who don't believe in Jesus view those of us  that do.  If I was standing on the outside and experienced some of that hate that they have I would probably feel the same way too.  To those of you who have been burned, hurt, beat down, and remain scarred hear this:

I am sorry.  I am so sorry that someone who professed Christ treated you with malice.  

If that person was me please forgive me.  My God does not hate you nor do I.

Why can't we ALL just be honest about ourselves and our situations.  Why can't we be accountable to our God and forget trying to rescue the world with empty promises and words.  Live the life you were given in love through Jesus and it shall come to pass.  You don't have to polish your outside to walk inside the arms of love.  You don't have to fix yourself up.  That isn't your job.  

Cease.  Quit striving.  Stop.  Be still.  

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."  -Jesus (Matthew 11:28)

Back to the Garden

The Healing Garden is ready for rejuvenation.   Now that the sun isn't searing me with heat every hour of every day,  I can finally start planning my Fall garden.  I think about it all the time but now is the time to set things in motion.  New ventures are on the horizon friends.

The Healing Garden in the Spring

Container Garden in the Spring

I'm pretty excited to get my in-ground and container gardens going again.  I've been inspired since my vacation to St. Simons.  Hot Papa, the Loin Fruit, and I took several walks a day the entire week we were there and what I couldn't help but notice were all the butterflies.  I love butterflies.  We saw lots of these:

I need copious amounts of these in my life:

Pretty Flying Thing

On lots of these:

Butterfly Flower (Asclepias Tuberosa)

I think I need some of these too:

Of course I will be planting the usuals again this year:  Eggplant, Tomatoes, Bell Peppers, Basil, and Mint.  I'm also going to do broccoli, a variety of lettuces, and something exotic.  I'm not sure what the exotic will be but I'm doing some digging now to find something different.  I have found that I'm a whiz at growing egg plants and lettuce is super easy too.  The rest of the things are hit and miss for me but I keep trying because I want to be successful.  I had a productive tomato crop this year and my basil always does well.  I had a few bell peppers but then my plant got tired and went to sleep.  I still haven't cleaned out my containers from the Spring and one of my pepper plants has a small verging on orange pepper lazily growing up.  I don't expect it to get any bigger and the fact that it survived the Summer is still a little shocking (shocking in the realm of gardening not real life issues).  

Orange Bell Pepper on the grow

Garden Tomatoes from the Spring

So that's the scoop on the Healing Garden circa September 2012.  This season I'm looking for COLOR COLOR and more COLOR.  Hear Christopher Walken exuberantly saying, "I need more Cow Bell."

Up next, I'm going to post how to save seeds from an existing veggie, plant them, and then transplant them.  I experimented with that this Summer and had a good go of it.  I failed to remember that my peppers weren't going to survive the heat and I should of waited until now to plant them but, alas, I learned something from my ill fated timing.  Here's a sneak peak to get your motors running:

On the Grow